"Are You There, God? It's Me, John."

During the Bletsch Family Celebration, members of our church performed this skit. We were not able to get video or audio, but the script is available below. Enjoy.

"Are You There God? It's Me, John"

by Cory Phillips and Mark Ledford

FA= Father Abraham

JB = John Bletsch

 

Setting: Interior - Catholic confessional. John walks in, frazzled, seeking for the Father Abraham...

FA: Well hello John! It's been a long time. What brings you back to Our Lady of the Perpetually Annoyed?

JB: Hello Father Abraham. I'm afraid I have many things to confess. You see, my family had been blessed with a new opportunity in Pennsylvania that we cannot say "no" to. Yet... there are so many things I must admit and questions that I have. I ask that you once again take me in and hear my confession. Only here can I truly confess my geekness without fear of being ostracized.

FA: of course my child... Come in.

JB: I will. But first, I must check in on Four Square.

FA: (sighs) my child... Please sit. Tell me what it is that is causing you so much grief. Wait! (JB freezes) Where you caught building the Millennium Falcon out ofLegos again?

JB: NO!!! Well, ok, yes... but that's not what I'm here to confess. Father Abraham, since last we talked I went on a trip to the Holy Land with several members of my church.

FA: yes, of course. I heard all about it. What an awe-inspiring journey. I heard you took many beautiful photos!

JB: Yes Father Abraham. And in doing so, I committed what some would call a mortal sin by taking 14,000 photographs.

FA: Surely you know that is not a sin...

JB: I'm not finished!!! I took every one of those pictures on a... a...

FA: on a WHAT, my son???

JB: on a Droid, man! A DROID!!!!

FA: Um, I'm not sure what to say, my child. That's really not a sin at all...

JB: DON"T TRY TO PLAY THIS DOWN JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

FA: Okay... uh... why don't you take a few moments to converse with God... maybe confess to him as I obviously cannot help you.

(Father Abraham leaves the confessional booth; exits through choir loft)

JB: (head down in prayer; talking to God): Heavenly Father, (sigh) it's me, John. John Bletschwait, let me put you on speaker phone. Can you hear me know?

GodYes, my child. I hear you loud and 4G clear.

JB: Great! I love this new Apple software! Listen, I've been so busy lately what with packing my family for the move north, tying up loose ends here in Greensboro , applying for jobs at every Apple Store in Pennsylvania and writing epic offertory prayers for Christ Church, that I haven't even taken the time to talk to you, one on one. It's been a while, huh?

GodYes, my child, but I know that the Force is with you.

JB: And also with you. But... that's not why I call today. You see... this move has raised many questions and concerns tat I know only you can answer; do you mind if I float them by you?

God: You're not going to ask me to reveal to you any major plot points in the upcoming Star Wars movie, are you?

JB: (hesitantly) uh... nope.

God: Good.

JB: Not even a little hint?

God: John?!

JB: Sorry! I'll drop it... Patience is a virtue, I know!. Moving on. I've been following your advice from our last conversation. I've been bonding more with my boys. We've been bonding over video games lately.

GodSplendid! The love of a father for his sons is priceless!

JB: I know, right?! And so I hope you can help me with this. Those boys are UNBEATABLE when it comes to Halo. Please tell me the level 7 cheat code so that I can finally beat them in the game and earn there respect!

God: John!

JB: Okay, okay.. I'll drop it. But they deserve to know that I can bring the video game thunder! That said, I have many worries about moving my family. Things that matter to our well-being. Like, will there be decent WiFi reception in Pennsylvania?!

GodYes, my son. Their WiFi is more than adequate.

JB: Thank, God.

God: You’re welcome.

JBI also want you to know that I took your request that I be more of a servant to my community to heart.

GodThat's wonderful, my child!

JB: Yes! I know! I've been going out every night, dressed as Mr. Incredible, stopping crimes within my neighborhood.

God: Uh, what kind of crimes?

JB: Important crimes, like making sure no one lets their children watch the Director's Cut of Star Wars.. I mean seriously... Greedo shoots first?!

God: John!

JB: Sorry! I'm just so distraught with this move, Father. I have so many questions! Serious, biblical questions, Lord.

God: Like what?

JB: Like, who would win in a fight between Samson and Aquaman.

God: John...

JB: Or, Joseph AND the lions vs. the Avengers?!

God: John!

JB: Or if Superman went up against David, but he didn't have his slingshot...

GodJOHN!!!

JB: I'm sorry, Lord... I'm just nervous about this move. Maybe it would help if I spoke to the "other guy", huh?

Godokay... but you know he's a bit shy; turn your speaker phone off.

JB: Yessir. (turns off speaker phone). Hello? Yes, it's me, John Bletsch. Is this really you? Is this really, Steve Jobs?! Wow! I cannot express how long I've waited to speak to you! You'll be proud to know that I've been working hard to ensure that thy will be done at Christ Church... how, you ask? Well, for starters, I've completely changed the church offices from Windows to Mac. This way, I'll always have remote access while in Pennsylvania to guarantee that the church Messenger always has at least 5 Star Trek references!

And, I'll be able to delete all those Welcome Wednesday reservations that folks SWEAR they make. That way, Mark Ledford will always be scrambling to make more food! Yeah, I thought you'd get a kick outta that!

Here's the thing, Steve. Uh, can I call you Steve? Great! Here's the thing, Steve... I'm just worried that this staff will falter without my knowledge. I mean, just yesterday, Mike Bailey & Susan Norman Vickers were asking how they could convert a Word document to a Pages document. I mean c'mon, who doesn't know that simply exporting a PDF fie through the Transmogrifier will simultaneously reconfigure the flux capacitor to calibrate those files congruently?! I mean for real!

What's that Steve? Oh yes, I guess that is a newer upgrade and I should be more patient with there lack of my superior knowledge. I mean, I DID learn from the best!

One last thing before I let you go, Steve... is there any chance that I can get a glimpse at the new iPhone 6? I heard that there is a "Pastors Only" version that offers a direct line to heaven called the iGod... can you confirm? WHAT?! What do you mean the Louis Timberlake already has one?!?! Ugh... put God back on the line!

Hey God, there is just one more thing... I've been with this Church family for 17 years. We've shared laughter & tears. I've seen their kids grow up. They've seen my kids grow up, even! All I ask of you is that you bless them... with Andre Lash playing the theme to Star Wars. Just ONCE! Wait! Never mind... I have a call that I have to take. Goodbye, God!

Hello? Yes, this is John. What?! They're in trouble? I'll be right there!

(JB rushes out of the confessional booth and exits behind the organ)

Father Abraham reenters at the same time and approaches the booth.

FA: John? do you feel better? John? (opens the booth door to discover a mess). Honestly; who leaves a confessional booth such a mess?! I mean seriously, empty Diet Coke cans... comic books?! Really?!(Just then, John reenters dressed as Mr. Incredible, but with Batman's cape & cowl)

FA: John?! What happened?

JB: Oh, it's nothing. Cathy West and Anne Dooley were trapped in the Youth Building.

FA: *blank look*

JB:... they were trapped with both the Jr. & Sr. High Youth Groups!

FA: How is that an emergency?

JB: They were without an adequate WiFi reception!!!

FA: *dumbfounded*

JBDaggummit, Jim! I'm a Pastor, not a tech junkie!

FA: My child, my name is not Jim. And, you are, in fact, both of those things.

JB: Oh.. I guess you're right Father Abraham.

*phone rings*

JB: Hello? WHAT?! Mark Ledford is about to serve Carolina-style BBQ to a group of Hassidic Jews?! I'll be right there! Father Abraham, I must go... unitl next time, may the Force be with you.

FA: And also with you, my child.

JB: To infinity... and beyond! *dashes up the aisle with arms outstretched*

Andre Lash plays the Star Wars Theme on the organ.

*LIGHTS OUT*

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